I’ve been feeling heavy, not so much physically as emotionally. It’s hard not to get sad about the disconnection I feel from my mom since her dementia has made our communication strange. It’s like there’s no way I can really have real interaction with her. I try, but I don’t think anything except face-to-face contact is going to be meaningful. So I feel a heaviness around that; maybe that’s my grief around the situation, or even a little depression and helplessness. Then there’s the winter starting, which doesn’t have to be heavy, but I’m just trying to find ways to bring light and wonder to it.
So initially when I thought of a word of the year, Joy came to mind. But the more I sat with it, the more I pictured myself forcing joy upon myself. It sounds weird, but I think that over the years, I might have developed a sort of weird relationship with positivity and an assumption that no matter how crappy I felt, I could (or even should) always summon up some cheer. It’s not a terrible thing, but perhaps it has kept me from really being authentic about how I’m doing in the moment. I can always think of reasons to be grateful, joyful, and content, but I don’t always feel it in my bones…and then it makes me feel like any so-called negative emotions are worthless.
I’m trying to get away from invalidating my own feelings.
But it’s such a fine balance for me between letting myself feel my real feelings and wallowing in them. How do I know the difference? I know I can’t put a time limit on how long I sit with my emotions, but when does it cross over from authentic feeling to re-hashing the same emotions to my own detriment?
Anyways, I figure real joy arises naturally, after the storm of difficult emotions. It’s never really productive to force joy when anger, depression, sadness, or anxiety is there. So, I figured, joy will come on it’s own time. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that a word like Wonder could be a sort of tool or method for making space for joy. And even for making space for all emotions; because when I feel angry, sad, anxious, or any other tough emotion, I can bring in a mindset of wonder. I can notice how the emotions courses through my body and mind, how they’re a messenger for something only I can know and feel to my core.
Words are the link here. So, what is it about the word Wonder that really called me? It’s a verb and a noun. I can actively wonder, I can be filled with wonder. Wonder can shine a light on something that is both ordinary and extraordinary. Wonder can be both curiosity and the knowing that comes with acknowledging how wonderful something is! Wonder is also open-mindedness that brings things in perspective, because I can only be filled with wonder when I remember the scale of things, how small I am and yet how big I can be depending on the context.
And…wonder brings lightness. I was talking about feeling heavy. I think wonder can help me remember that, hey, this moment might suck for now, but I wonder if (fill in the blank), or isn’t it so interesting/amazing/wonderful that (fill in the blank). It’s a way to let positive and negative coexist. I can be having a hard time and remember that ease comes at some point (eventually! And if only we could see the light at the end of the tunnel that this pandemic is! And remember that the hard moments of raising young children always pass).
With yoga, we can practice wonder, too. Like when I hold a pose and I wonder, “Where do I feel my breath?” “What will help me feel more relaxed/energized/grounded (or whatever I want to feel)?” or “What does my body feel like doing now? How does my mind feel? Why?”
And then, after a yoga session when I feel really peaceful, light, and happy, I am filled with wonder at the power of a yoga practice that works for me. I haven’t felt like this after every time that I’ve done yoga, and after those times when I feel less-than-ideal, I can wonder: what was lacking in the practice this time? What more did I need? Or did I do too much and push myself unnecessarily?
I wonder what 2022 will be like when I live more in a mindset of wonder, on and off my yoga mat? What’s your word for the month or the year?
For the last 3 months of 2021 I shared two posts weekly. This month I’m going to step back and take a little break in honor of my mom. It’s been tough lately, as she has been struggling with dementia since the onset of the pandemic and I now live a plane ride away from her. Connecting with her over the phone is tough and she doesn’t text or email, so my writing has been a way to work through my changing relationship with her. I’ll post a bit more about this this month, but for now I needed the space to really feel my feels as my relationship with her changes. Did I mention this is her birthday month? That’s another reason that I’m really thinking of her and missing her. Not to mention that winter puts me in a mindset of just going inward and reflecting. So, in honor of my mom, I’ll be taking some time and perhaps posting a bit less this month. Jai Ma!